Gossip

"Didja hear, didja hear, didja hear?" the knife blurted out to the fork he found himself placed next to in the washer. "Nah, didn't," the fork replied and went back to playing rock-paper-scissors with the vegetable peeler. "Don'tcha wanna hear?!" the knife insisted. "Nah, not really," countered the fork, "kinda busy here." "You won't BELIEVE it!", the excited knife said, and suddenly he burst into tears. Oh, lordy, here we go again, thought the fork. "Aw, knife, come on now. Tears? Really? A waste of time in a dishwasher! OK, tell me all about it." "Oh, fork, it's just such a tragedy!" blubbered the knife. "It's about spoon. You remember spoon?" "Sure, I remember spoon," replied the fork, thinking, spoons, they're all alike. "Well, remember how spoon was engaged to bowl, they met at the ice cream social and hit it off so well, they were just incomprehensibly inseparable" they were what? thought the fork "they were just so in LOVE, and now spoon, oh my God, spoon has run away with the dish!"

Conversation

During the move, the kettle and the pot ended up on the bottom right shelf. After what seemed like ages, the kettle said to the pot, "psssst ... what's your" "HOLY CRAP!" yelled the pot. "Quiet! Can't you see I'm trying to meditate?!" "Oh! Sorry! No, I .. it is actually a little bit dark in here. I was just thinking, no one seems to know we're here, may as well, you know, play cards or something" "HOLY CRAP! You can play cards in the dark?!" "Well, um, actually, yeah. See, it helps they're glow in the dark" "HOLY CRAP! You can actually see?!" "Well, I kind of actually can, yes" replied the kettle. "See, over there, you can barely see him, there's the nut chopper, he's pretty bummed he ended up with us and is sulking in the corner; and there's the grater, she's got it made, they'll need her one of these days, and over there's" "HOLY CRAP! The grater's in here? Hey, baby, long time no braise, how about a little" "Drop it, pot, ain't gonna get you nowhere nohow," the grater retorted. "Geez, fine, have a nice day yourself," grumbled the pot. "She always was hard to get close to, that grater", pot said to kettle. "Sharp around the edges, know what I mean?" "Well, um, I think she's pretty nice," kettle said to pot. "HOLY CRAP, what do you mean, 'pretty nice'?!" yelled the pot. "Exactly what's she done for you that's so nice?!". "You know, never mind," backpeddled the kettle. "You were saying something about meditating before, right? Yeah, you know, I'm really sorry I interrupted you, how about let's just do that." Geez, he thought to himself, what an ornery pot, maybe he just needs a seeing-eye saucepan or something, was he always in such a black mood? "HOLY CRAP!" shouted the pot, "who are you calling black?!"

Adventure #1

One day, three worms who lived in the deep, dark, dirt went on a grand adventure. In the morning, they inched across a hot, wide sidewalk. The sidewalk was so hot, you could cook an egg on it, but not a worm. In the mid-day, they scrunched up a tall, tall tree. The tree was so tall, you could drop a tiny green GI Joe parachute toy from it, but not a worm. In the afternoon, they ate a lot of shiny green leaves. There were so many leaves, you could roll them up into really long fake cigarettes to pretend-smoke, but not a worm.

When they were so full they didn't look like worms anymore, they were so fat and juicy, a big, black bird came and ate them.

There's no place like home

Once there was a country mouse and a city mouse. The country mouse came to visit the city mouse one day, and was mightily impressed. The country mouse ate aromatic crumbs and delectable morsels as he never smelled or tasted before. He didn't care for the loud or the metallic, however, and went back to the quiet and the dirt where he felt right at home.

There was also was a country cockroach and a city cockroach. The country cockroach came to visit the city cockroach one day. The country cockroach ate disgusting filth and climbed gummy walls just as he had always done, and so he stayed where he felt right at home.

The Three Little Pigs

Once upon a time, there were three little pigs. One lived in a straw hut, one lived in a twig hut, and one lived in a car. One day, the Big Bad Wolf, a surly fellow as bristly as the hair on his rather flabby chest, huffed and puffed and blew down the straw hut and ate the little pig that lived in it. This brought on both an asthma attack and terrible indigestion, killing the Big Bad Wolf. The two little pigs that were left took this as a wake-up call. Abandoning the twig hut and armed with 3 bags of potato chips and a six-pack of Miller Lite, they drove to Hollywood in the prized 1974 Mary Kay pink Cadillac to pursue their ebullient dreams. While exceedingly comfortable and with functional radio and AC, it did get terrible gas mileage. Luckily, they only had to drive the 12 miles from Glendale. They bought an abandoned donut shop they spotted on the corner of West Sunset and Vine, converted it to a massage parlor, and they lived happily ever after.

Glass

(This story is inspired by a fairy tale that came to mind today ...)

Once a very mean fairy made a wicked piece of glass. The glass made everything look ugly. The fairy liked to carry the glass from place to place. Her eyes saw how ugly everything was. One day the glass fell and broke into teeny tiny pieces. The fairy laughed and laughed. The wind made the glass fall into the eyes of many people. Some became cranky when they saw all that was ugly. Some were cranky already, and didn't see anything different at all. The little boy saw that something was different now. He was afraid.

His ugly dog licked his face. His ugly mommy kissed his forehead. His ugly daddy tickled his tummy. The little boy saw it really wasn't different, after all.

Fall Gifts

Once there was a leaf. It was a really pretty little leaf. It was surrounded by many other pretty leaves, so it didn't really notice how pretty it was. Outside it got cold, and the light turned golden. The leaf changed color and became even more pretty. So did all the other leaves around it. One day it fell to the ground and joined the other pretty leaves in a great big pile. Two boys came, and jumped and shouted and hid in the pile. A dog came and happily sniffed the pile. One day a little girl came and found the pretty little leaf. She brought it home and gave it to her mother. "Isn't this the prettiest leaf you ever saw?" she asked. And her mother hugged her and said, "Yes, this leaf that you brought me, is the prettiest leaf I ever saw."